


Grieving Carl

by TWDObsessive



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rick Grimes POV, Stream of Consciousness, first person POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-26 03:03:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13848714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TWDObsessive/pseuds/TWDObsessive
Summary: Sorry if y’all were hoping for a Teamwork update.  I should have another of those Sunday.  This little mini-ficlet was a way for me to wrap my head around Carl’s loss.  I hate that it happened.  I don’t think it needed to happen for the story and my heart goes out to the character and the actor.  Canon blows.Ps- big thanks to beta lotr58!





	Grieving Carl

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if y’all were hoping for a Teamwork update. I should have another of those Sunday. This little mini-ficlet was a way for me to wrap my head around Carl’s loss. I hate that it happened. I don’t think it needed to happen for the story and my heart goes out to the character and the actor. Canon blows.
> 
> Ps- big thanks to beta lotr58!

I can’t be alive for this. Not this. Not my son. My whole world, everything I’ve done, every decision I’ve made has been for Carl and this is not supposed to happen. He’s supposed to take my place as leader when _my_ time comes. 

My stomach feels like a cannonball is sitting in it, my knees are weak and my mind whirls in disbelief. My son. And it isn’t from gunfire or war or the evils of mankind. It’s just a damn bite. After all the teeth that snapped at him all these years one set just happened to make contact. 

I hear the noise above us die down, and a hush falls over the dark sewer. I’m still wrapping my head around the meaning of forever when Daryl hands me Judith. He knows I need both my children close.

When he hands her to me, his fingers slide against my arm. Firmly, he puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes as he gives me that look. He says everything in his eyes and his touch. He remembers every moment of our journey. He hurts for Carl just as much as Michonne and me. He tells me that he’s here for me, he’s always here for me. He tells me he loves me, and that he knows I love him, and this is all without waste of a single word. We have always been able to speak like that and I’m glad for it today because I don’t think I could bear to hear the pain in his voice.

With Judith in my arms, I sit next to Carl in a daze, not sure what to say, what to do. Michonne comes to tell me the Saviors are gone. Our people can go to Hilltop...but I can’t. Carl can’t. He won’t make it and I have to stay with him. I try not to lose my voice when I ask her to go and to take Judith. She hesitates. I know she wants us to be together right now, and before I can wonder what to do next I hear Daryl’s calm, quiet voice. 

“I’ll take her,” he says. “I’ll get her there. I’ll keep her safe. I got this.” 

And I know he does because he would die for her. He would die for any of us and I have no doubt that he’d trade places with Carl in a heartbeat if he had the chance. 

I squat down next to Carl so he can say goodbye to his baby sister. A sister he named and cared for and fought for. He was immediately protective of her and those days when she was first born...that’s when Carl started to become a man before my eyes. 

I try not to cry harder at the gentle words he leaves with Judith. When she finally understands that she’s hearing a goodbye, she wails and I want to wail with her. I want to cry and scream so that every man, woman, and walker can hear me breaking apart. Daryl reaches for my baby girl and I hand her over. Trusting a man with your own daughter’s life says a lot about friendship. He’s more than friendship. He’s family.

He looks back to my son with reverence. “These people? You saved them all. It’s all you, man.” 

It was his goodbye, a thing he was never good with. His last words to my boy were of admiration, man to man. And I was proud of Carl for being the kind of man that Daryl Dixon could look up to.

When it’s just me, Michonne, and my dying son, we huddle close. The air in the room is thick and the pressure on my heart is heavy. Forever. He’ll be gone forever. Carl talks to me like the wise man he’s grown into and he tries to show me the way past his death so I listen. I try to memorize every word, try to sear it into my brain so I’ll never forget his voice and his hopes. He’s consoling me when I should be consoling him. He’s more man than me.

Finally, we help him up and nearly drag him back up to ground level and over to the burned out church. And I know that will be the last place he draws breath. He’s gotten so pale, so weak, so tired. These are my last moments on this earth with my boy by my side. Forever.

He reaches for his gun. Oh God. He’s sparing us the end and I want to be with him, but he insists on being alone. He says his final goodbye to Michonne and then turns to me.

“I love you, Dad,” he says and my tears flow faster. I’ll never hear that voice again. I tell him how much I love him. God, how much I love him. He’s my life and I again wonder how I can possibly go on without him. I feel like I’m trapped in a horrible nightmare, desperate to wake up. But it’s no nightmare. It’s the worst thing that could happen and it’s actually happening.

Before I know it, I’m sitting outside, just waiting to hear the shot that ends my son’s beautiful life. I can barely breathe and I’m itching to DO something, even though I know there’s nothing that can be done. And then I hear it. And he’s gone. And the whole world grows dimmer and a light inside me snuffs out. He was my meaning. He will still be my meaning...because I will do what he wants and I will find that better life for all the people he’s left behind.

Rest in peace, my son. I’ll come find you when I can.


End file.
